Monogamy Vs. Hookup Culture

Will monogamy provide lasting satisfaction? Or is the quick fix of the Hookup Culture the better choice?

If you were going to choose one path for the greatest sexual fulfillment, what would you choose? One option would be to follow your passions and desires and seek immediate fulfillment in the hookup culture. On the other extreme, you could use incredible discipline and delayed gratification to reserve your sexuality for one person in marriage and choose monogamy. Which of these extremes will lead to the greatest long-term satisfaction.

Lisa Wade researched the hookup culture on campus in her book "American Hookup" https://amzn.to/3opdDeu. A hookup is a casual sexual encounter with no expectation of relationship. Our media loves to push the idea that you can have a physical connection with someone you just met that leads to wonderful sex. The hookup culture values novelty and experience. It believes that in a multitude of experiences of following your base passions, you will find fulfillment. And with enough experiences, you will be satisfied.

But there’s no relationship in the hookup culture. Wade documents that after hooking up many students go out of their way to avoid seeing or talking to their hookup partner. No doubt the guilt, shame, and awkwardness of the encounter, once sobered up, makes avoidance much easier than engagement.

Monogamy values discipline and delayed gratification. It requires patience. The focus here is relationship. That in the safe confines of a committed relationship, satisfaction can be found. Fulfillment will be found in intimacy. Here, rather than exploring someone new each time, you dive deep in getting to know one person, understanding their preferences, desires, and what they enjoy. Fulfillment will be found in an intimate connection. Is it possible that a great sex life is built by denying yourself of all others and pursuing just one?

Our culture certainly thinks not! But what does the research say? Wade documents the orgasm gap that is prevalent in hookup culture. That is that men are having many more orgasms than women in casual sexual encounters. But a study by The Wheatley Institute shows that this gap is diminished in committed relationships.

"According to a recently released study from the Wheatley Institution, highly religious couples who share a common faith report more satisfying sexual relationships than their secular peers. The findings compliment a separate study by Stephen Cranney published earlier this year in the Reviews of Religious Research, which found that married religious couples also have more frequent and better sex."

"…women in highly religious relationships (couples who pray together, read scripture at home, and attend church, etc.) were twice as likely as their secular peers to say they were satisfied with their sexual relationship. And the men in these couples were fully four times as likely to report being sexually satisfied as men in relationships with no religious activity. "(Souce)

But the best argument for monogamy comes down to the question of, “Who is going to make you soup when you are sick?” Who is going to hold your hand when you have cancer? Who will sit with you when you come to life’s end? I doubt our casual hookups will drop what they are doing to come serve us in our time of need.

A friend of mine recently relayed an experience when his wife had a devastating leg injury. His athletic and capable wife was instantly immobile and needed significant care. He was forced to help his wife of 20+ years with basic life functions like getting dressed, showering, and eating. But it struck him when he was helping his wife put on her socks and shoes, that there was “no place I would rather be than serving my wife!” He shared this through tears, that the years of relational connection, experiences, and love were boiling over into sacrificial service. I believe we will find much greater satisfaction in denying ourselves sexual experiences and pursuing one person for love and relationship.