What’s the best Christian book on the topic of pornography?

Jay Stringer’s “Unwanted: How Sexual Brokenness Reveals Our Way to Healing” vs Heath Lambert’s “Finally Free: Fighting for Purity with the Power of Grace”

I see two paradigms for Christian pornography addiction recovery in the church. One emphasizes effort and encourages the addict to do everything in their power to resist and fight the power of their addiction. The other emphasizes the journey of the heart to encourage the addict to address underlying heart issues. I believe there's a Biblical case for both, but at the same time, there's one I wouldn't recommend you start with. What are your thoughts on these two paradigms in the church?

When it comes to recovery for addiction in the church, which is more important, getting your act together and gaining strength to work hard to resist temptation and make better choices? Or taking the journey of the heart and pursuing a deeper understanding of what drives you to addiction in first place? This seems like a yes, and yes, answer. Both are vital to walking in freedom from addictive behavior. But should we prioritize one over the other as someone begins their recovery journey?

“Finally Free” by Heath Lambert https://amzn.to/3nSO2ac and “Unwanted” by Jay Stringer https://amzn.to/3qcCAYD lean toward one side of the recovery paradigm of effort and heart exploration

In the “Journey of the Heart” or “Heart Exploration” paradigm, the struggler is directed to look deep into their life to find the “why” of their struggle. What are the core desires of their heart that have become corrupted and now lead them toward medicating their pain and wounding through sexual sin or other addictive behavior? With this focus in mind, “Unwanted” guides the reader through examining their entire life story, family history, difficult events, and patterns in their life. Stringer walks the reader through considering their relationship with their father, mother, and others in their life. It is through this process that the struggler can begin to uncover what are the lies that are driving them back to unwanted and destructive behavior.

I believe there’s a clear Biblical case for the journey of the heart. Jesus frequently directs our gaze toward not just the external behaviors, but the internal, reminding us that it’s from within that our sins are flowing outward.

“The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.” (Luke 6:45, ESV)

“You blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and the plate, that the outside also may be clean.” (Matthew 23:26, ESV)

The Scriptures remind us that our hearts can be deceitful and corrupt and that we need understanding and wisdom

“The purpose in a man’s heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out.” (Proverbs 20:5, ESV)

In Stringer’s subtitle, “How Sexual Brokenness Reveals our Way to Healing”, we see the invitation to explore the brokenness inside our hearts as the pathway toward walking in sexual freedom. It is here in the wounds of our heart that the gospel can be applied directly to see radical transformation. When I help people on the recovery journey, I want to be sure that we explore the roots of their destructive behavior, and not just address the outward manifestations.

But many recovery methods focus primarily on human effort to achieve victory over sexual sin. “The overwhelmingly standard evangelical response to sexual brokenness has been to address it through the lens of ‘lust management,’ even declaring war on it” (Unwanted, page xii). I often refer to this as the “do better, try harder” method. But many Christians have been trying harder for years or decades and still find themselves mired in a cycle of acting out sexually through pornography or masturbation.

Jay Stringer discusses the standard evangelical approach of lust management

In 2017 I attended a men’s workshop on purity at a Christian marriage conference. The average age in the room was 50 plus, and I was one of the younger men in the room. Most of these men had been Christians for 30 years or more. They were church leaders, husbands, lay ministers, and Fathers. As the speaker began he tried to amp up the crowd to the reality that we need to fight our temptations toward lust and there was a collective groan of affirmation from the crowd.

The speaker hit us hard with the, we are Christians, we shouldn’t be looking at porn, so let’s get our stuff together.  I was taking notes.  The men in the crowd were on board.  There were nods and groans in the room about our collective and continual failure to live lives of sexual integrity.  When all was said and done, I looked at my notes and realized the speaker has just completely given us the “do better, try harder” method.  But these men in the room had been trying that for decades.  I should have put my hand up and said, “Hey, maybe we can try a different technique.”

I believe Jay Stringer would agree. A much better approach for these men would have been to write out their personal story of sexual struggler and brokenness, look for patterns and clues in their behavior and acting out, and to attempt to discern what was driving them to look at porn and act out sexually? I would venture to guess most of them had never started that process.

But does a heart focus mean we throw out the idea of personal effort and discipline? Certainly not! Heath Lambert in his book, “Finally Free”, reminds us that discipline and effort are requirements for living in sexual integrity. He uses verbs like fight, labor, and imitate to paint a picture of the effort that is required. Jesus reminded us that radical amputation is necessary to honor God with our bodies.

““You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell.” (Matthew 5:27–29, ESV)

In relation to this passage Lambert has an entire chapter on radical measures. Anyone beginning the recovery program should implement radical changes as soon as possible to reorient their life toward godly living. “If nothing changes, nothing changes.” He is calling for the removal of everything in your life that is opening the door for temptation.  Certainly during what we would call a detox period for the addict, you need radical measures to find the change you need.

Lambert emphasizes the grace of God equipping us to fight for purity. “The problem is there is too much you in all this.  You need Christ” (Finally Free, page 26). We are desperate for Jesus. In John 15 Jesus reminds us that apart from Him we can do nothing. Lambert also emphasizes replacement thinking with Scripture memory. “You can never stop thinking about something by trying not to think about it” (Finally Free, page 91). Impure thoughts can continue to plague us even after we quit viewing pornographic material. Scripture memory becomes a focus that allows us to replace sinful thoughts with the pure milk of God’s Word (I Peter 2:2).

But while Stringer in “Unwanted” invites us to go deeper into our heart to analyze our brokenness, Lambert discourages the reader from believing there may be some deep seated issues that are driving our sin. “Some may want to convince you that porn isn’t really about sex but about the brokenness that flows from being lonely” (Finally Free, page 109). To Lambert, the main sin in viewing of pornography is arrogance and it isn’t rooted in anything else. I think this is unfortunate and why I don’t recommend “Finally Free” for porn addicts.

Lambert continues, “Many people try to help people with porn problems by turning them into victims” (Finally Free, page 109). While I think I understand his case here for wanting men to take responsibility for their sin, I believe this overlooks the reality that many are struggling with porn because they are victims! Whether it was sexual abuse or simply the abuse of having porn pushed into your face at a young age, I would want to hear the specifics of someones journey before I diagnose them with an arrogance problem, and I’m not going to say to someone, “You’re not a victim.” I do want men to take responsibility for their behavior as I want to take responsibility for mine. But I don’t believe ignoring the journey of the heart is the best method for walking in sexual integrity.

I would recommend “Unwanted” by Jay Stringer https://amzn.to/3qcCAYD for people who want to take an in depth look at how their story and wounding are impacting their unwanted behavior. I also think there is a place for Finally Free by Heath Lambert https://amzn.to/3nSO2ac for men who may not be addicted to pornography but want to incorporate some strategies to eliminate that behavior from their life.